the message is clear. and delicious.


the message is simple

Guys are dicks.

Yeah, yeah, I know not all are. I’m raising a young man right now, and trying my best to make him as non-dickish as possible. But why, why, why do boys think it’s fun and appropriate and acceptable to be total DICKS??

Case in point:

My teenage daughter came out of school yesterday with absolute rage in her eyes. Now, this is not completely abnormal, but I knew something was different, something more than the normal 15 year old angst . Then, when she could barely tell me what happened without shaking and crying, the mama-rage started to build.

Olivia’s last class of the day is photography, so there is a mix of grades in there, including quite a few seniors (she is a sophomore). One of these seniors has expressed interest in her a few times, and she has politely blown him off, all without incident. No big deal. That is, until he starts to become a DICK.

Stealing her phone, tossing it around. Getting it back, repeat. Once she laughed. After the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time, and a broken phone case, she’s pissed. Kicked him, yelled. She is not a delicate flower and has no problem standing up for herself, but there was only so much she felt that she could do without attacking specific body parts and getting in trouble. That’s her rationale, not mine – I did tell her she had every right to break a few fingers next time.

Oh, but it’s not over. After getting her phone back for the 5th time, she stuck it in her bra, where she “knew he’d be too scared to go get it.” And she was right. So, instead, he grabbed her Letterman’s jacket and took off out of the classroom. This jacket that she loves and is so proud of caused a bit of the Hulk to come out. Screaming down the hallway, the rage must have scared him enough to row his douche-canoe back to the room. But… not before dropping it, stepping on it, and “pretending” to shove it in the trash. In the scuffle, her State Championship Gymnastics pin was lost and the $300 jacket gained a giant footprint that will no doubt need a dry-cleaner to remove. Dick.

After all of this, the worst is yet to come. Because degrading language and white-washing is worse than just being a douche. At the last second, Dicky Dickerson calmly hands her back her jacket and says “Jesus, why are you being such a bitch? It was just a fucking joke. Calm down.”


Rage tears followed, which just causes one to be more pissed because they’re crying – you know the cycle. And she is smart enough and strong enough to know that she was not overreacting and he was the problem, not her, but it was so infuriating that all she could muster was “You’re such a dick” before the bell rang.

I tried to be sympathetic. I am sympathetic. How could I not be? As women, we’ve all been there. We’ve been in the hall when a guy “jokingly” grabs your backpack or ass, then looks surprised when you don’t laugh. We’ve all had some sort of emotional or physical retaliation after turning a guy down, as if we should always choke down their unwanted attention with a smile and a “thank you”. So many females, at some point, start believing that it really is their problem, their fault, that they need to learn how to take a joke, take a compliment, and shut the fuck up. Not my daughter, not while I still have the tiniest bit of influence over her sense of self.

In the car, driving home, I try to do the only thing I know how – relate, and make sure she knows I’ve been there, we all have, and she’s not alone. It may have backfired a little.

“Why are there so many dicks at my school?”

“Honey, I’ve had soooo many dicks in my life, it’s not even funny.”

Pause. What did I just say?


Ok, maybe it didn’t backfire. I was trying to relate, but instead got a laugh. Good enough.

My former slut-life aside, the message is clear. Don’t be a dick. Don’t raise dicks. Don’t roll over and laugh at dicks (unless it’s wearing a funny hat) and certainly never stop standing up to them. There are good men out there, Olivia, you’re just going to have to wade through a lot of dicks to find one. But hopefully not as many as your mom….

For now, I will make you brownies with a cheeky message. Enjoy.

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