think like a (neutered) dog

I think I have it all figured out!

All of this horrible, male-driven assault that is plaguing our world, ruining our country, and destroying women’s lives can be eradicated. And I know how!

It came to me last night as I was watching my temporary-dog, Enzo, walk away.

Enzo is the first older dog that I’ve taken care of that had not been neutered. He came into my house, giant red balls and all, wanting to hump everyone and everything. No one was safe, but he especially liked to pull out the chapstick for the cat. Meow.

Of course I made an appointment for him to get that testicle problem taken care of right away, but it took about 2 weeks to get him in. Two weeks of hip-thrusting domination. This little Italian Greyhound couldn’t get enough, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer, not even from a giant Doberman that could have easily made him a bitch.

Finally, after using my house for his own personal pleasure palace, it was time. Last week I took him in to the clinic at 7 a.m., and by 3 p.m., he emerged sans-balls.

And he was sore! No humping that first day, but I knew that wasn’t a true indicator, seeing as he didn’t even want to sit on his ass, let alone do any twerking. So, we wait.

Day 2, no humping. Day 3, no humping, Day 4, 5, no humping, no unwanted advances on the cat, no mounting of any animal. Brilliant.

Then last night, on day 6, it clicked. As Enzo was walking towards the kitchen, his empty ball sack in plain view, it all made sense. The empty skin between his legs has shriveled up into a couple of cute little folds, and now looks like a vagina. Technically, the labia majora, but you know what I mean.

Do you see where I’m going with this? As Enzo has lost his desire to aggressively, unwantedly molest other creatures, he has become a happier, more pleasant male. He is actually playing and interacting with his buddies, and not just seeing them all as a piece of ass. His new vagina has led him to have a beautiful serenity.

Let Enzo be a lesson to all of us, especially the sexual predators and males who think with their testosterone-filled-idiot-sacks. Just because you have a penis does not mean you need to rub it on everyone, hump everyone, even show it to anyone. 99.999% of the population does not welcome these actions. And if you can forget about those desires and stop chasing anyone with a hole, you might enjoy life even more. You’ll make friends, have genuine relationships, and bonus – not go to prison!

And if you can’t stop being a predatory asshole, give me a call. I can get you an appointment with Enzo’s doctor in about two weeks.

You’re welcome.



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